Now What Went Wrong In That Conversation?
By Nancy Barger
This is the first article in a four-part series that will focus on applying psychological type in three everyday situations:
- how we communicate
- how we give others feedback in the communication process, and
- the conflicts that can arise when we don’t understand the styles of the other person
We will start by exploring the Extraversion and Introversion differences.
Part 1: E-I Differences
First, let’s review: People who prefer Extraversion are energized by the external world and their interactions with that world; the more a person preferring Extraversion can be active, participating, interacting, and even multitasking, the more mental energy they gain.
People who prefer Introversion are energized by their internal world, their thoughts, their ideas, their inward dialogue with themselves; the more they can be away from the world, the more energized they become. When the world requires them to interact, they draw upon that stored energy and do whatever is required, depleting their storehouse of energy.
Now we will explore the interactions of these two polar opposites: Extraversion and Introversion in three areas:
1. Communication
People preferring Extraversion don’t really know what they are thinking until they can talk it through. As they talk, things become clearer to them; consequently, they often change direction as they talk.
People preferring Introversion don’t really know what they want/need to say until they can think it through. When an immediate discussion is necessary, the discussion often interferes with their process, can even leave them feeling confused or as though they didn’t say what they needed to say.
E’s and I’s may agree ahead of time on what they are going to talk about, but when the time comes for discussion, people preferring Extraversion are likely to want to talk about the new issues that come up in the course of conversation. People preferring Introversion may feel resentful because they have not had time to think about the newly introduced topics and may feel that the conversation is unfocused, a waste of time. The person preferring Extraversion may feel irritated because their Introverted colleagues are not “giving anything back” – not responding in the moment to their ideas.
2. Feedback
As the conversation goes on, people preferring Extraversion generally prefer to give immediate and ongoing verbal feedback: “I think that too, and furthermore . . . .” They want to have the opportunity to discuss issues that come up for them as the conversation continues and to talk through any problems that surface.
People preferring Introversion want to focus on “the topic,” which they have already thought about. For new topics, they want the opportunity to consider before giving feedback on those new topics. They may feel at a disadvantage – shut out or talked over – as the Extraverts go on to expound on the newly introduced thoughts.
3. Conflict
The stage is now set—the opportunity for misunderstanding and conflict is now in place and can become worse as each type pursues its own needs in the conversation (now become conflict!).
People preferring Extraversion need to talk through the new topics and issues and want to do it NOW! They want to express whatever their opinions and emotions are – in the moment and freely!
People preferring Introversion may find themselves overwhelmed by the Extravert’s flow of new topics and energetic or emotionally-charged conversation. If pressed too hard to say what is going on for them, those preferring Introversion may “clam up” and withdraw from the conversation. Their Extraverted colleagues may interpret this as “avoidance” or lack of commitment to the relationship.
Approach To Solutions
The first step is, of course, recognizing the differences and affirming the value of the differing styles. Then, each can make a commitment to recognize and honor the other’s needs:
- Those who prefer Extraversion can work on sticking to the agreed-upon topic and stating when they have a new idea they want to bring in.
- Those who prefer Introversion can work to be outwardly involved, to present their thoughts and to ask for time to reflect if they need it.
- Both may need a few ground rules that are in place BEFORE the conflicts occur, as it seldom works to try and put those in place during a heated conversation.
Being aware of these differences in communication and feedback style can help the people involved to have more productive conversations.
STAY TUNED FOR Part 2-How Sensing and Intuition add further to “Now What Went Wrong in THAT Conversation?”
